Tonight I was reading my Bible, more specifically - the story of the resurrection of Lazarus (John 11). It's one of those stories that I've heard a lot, but for whatever reason it struck me differently this time. In my translation, the phrase "Lord, if you had been here..." is used twice. It is used once by Mary and once by Martha. It's funny to think that these women had the luxury of knowing what Jesus's physical presence was like and could therefore say "Lord, if you had been here..." Although I've often longed for the physical manifestation of the Lord, (just for my tiny uncomprehending brain to make sense of some things) - the only thing I felt when I read that was overwhelming thankfulness. Living in a post-Pentecost world, I never have to wonder what would happen if the Lord had been here. The Lord IS here. All I have to do is invite Him in. My challenge now is to live every moment as if I really know He's here, and I'm really aware of His presence. What would be life look like if I said every second of every day..."Lord, you ARE here"?
Peace & love,
Laur
Saturday, October 26, 2013
Wednesday, September 14, 2011
Meltdown.
Hello virtual world!
I HAVE TOO MUCH IN MY BRAIN AND AM PROCESSING WAY TOO MUCH!!!! I need to take some time to chill. More on this later...
Peace & love
- Laur
I HAVE TOO MUCH IN MY BRAIN AND AM PROCESSING WAY TOO MUCH!!!! I need to take some time to chill. More on this later...
Peace & love
- Laur
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
Timing
Last night, I spent some time with a wonderful man I used to date who I have not seen in over two years. Our relationship did not end well, and we now live several states apart. However, last night he was in my little city with two of his friends and invited me out.
He is a wonderful guy, and although our relationship ended messily, it taught me a lot. Last night got me thinking about it, and also brought some clarity and closure.
I certainly underestimated the importance of timing in our relationship, and I think I underestimate it frequently in all sorts of circumstances. There are so many circumstances and variables that contribute to the success of relationships and situations in general, time being one of them. I think that God allows things to happen at the time he wants them to, however I often push for things I want, even if they're not working out at the time. I feel that I did that in the aforementioned relationship, I wanted to be with him so badly that even though it was obvious it was not the right time. I became so focused on being with him that I got tunnel vision, which is DANGEROUS.
The other thing I learned is that one cannot take care of another (as we should in relationships) without being able to take care of yourself first. That sounds so simple and obvious, but it's easy for me to fall into wanting to fix someone, because I love them. That's not a bad thing necessarily, but I often want to fix someone so that they can be capable of having a healthy relationship with me. That's not my job, and it sucks me in, but both people in a relationship have to ready for it and healthy in and of themselves before they can have a healthy relationship. Don't allow your love for someone to justify a relationship that shouldn't be.
Peace & love,
- Laur
"The peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus"
- Philippians 4:7
He is a wonderful guy, and although our relationship ended messily, it taught me a lot. Last night got me thinking about it, and also brought some clarity and closure.
I certainly underestimated the importance of timing in our relationship, and I think I underestimate it frequently in all sorts of circumstances. There are so many circumstances and variables that contribute to the success of relationships and situations in general, time being one of them. I think that God allows things to happen at the time he wants them to, however I often push for things I want, even if they're not working out at the time. I feel that I did that in the aforementioned relationship, I wanted to be with him so badly that even though it was obvious it was not the right time. I became so focused on being with him that I got tunnel vision, which is DANGEROUS.
The other thing I learned is that one cannot take care of another (as we should in relationships) without being able to take care of yourself first. That sounds so simple and obvious, but it's easy for me to fall into wanting to fix someone, because I love them. That's not a bad thing necessarily, but I often want to fix someone so that they can be capable of having a healthy relationship with me. That's not my job, and it sucks me in, but both people in a relationship have to ready for it and healthy in and of themselves before they can have a healthy relationship. Don't allow your love for someone to justify a relationship that shouldn't be.
Peace & love,
- Laur
"The peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus"
- Philippians 4:7
Saturday, August 13, 2011
Letting go
I guess you never really know the extent of a difficult situation until you're knee deep in it. A great thing if you're on the outside looking in, a terrible thing if you're on the inside looking out. Prime example: divorce and it's aftermath.
My parents started having problems when I was around 9, they signed the divorce papers when I was 12. I'm 22 now. I still deal with issues with my family and with myself quite frequently. It is undoubtedly a huge part of me, since it shaped who I am today.
My mother has been my best friend for as long as I can remember. It is a huge blessing in so many ways, but it has also caused problems, which is something I NEVER saw coming. For better or for worse, when my dad wasn't around much, and my mom was upset and lethargic because he was gone I took it upon myself to take care of my little brothers. I never should have taken on that role, but I guess I felt it was necessary, and that I should help. I was so young, definitely still in formative years, and I spent time I could have used to learn to trust God to instead perfect my "parenting" skills. I became a pseudo parent to my brothers and in turn a pseudo spouse to my mother. I always thought that my relationship with my mother was nothing but a blessing, however, as I've gotten older, it has become increasingly clear that it was not a good idea. I wasn't a kid anymore, I felt like an adult, and made it my job to take care of my family - however, I was still a child in many ways. I feel the need to say that my mother NEVER neglected us, and we never wanted for anything, she was always there for us. Which is something for which I can never thank her enough. I should also say that there is nothing wrong with taking care of ones family, and that my heart was in the right place. I believe with all my heart that God wants us to love and take care of our families.
The above paragraph is to say that although I love my family dearly, I wasn't trying to take care of them for the right reasons. I was trying to take care of them because subconsciously, I didn't trust God to take care of us. I was inadvertently and subconsciously telling God that I thought I could do a better job than He could. I have issues humbling myself before God and "dying to myself daily" (as Paul said) to this day. I can trace most of that directly back to my parents divorce.
Today, I had a difficult conversation with my mother (the aforementioned best friend). She is now remarried, and it has without a doubt brought many of these issues to light. I have always been number one in my moms life; best friend, daughter, pseudo spouse, pseudo parenting cohort, etc. But obviously, now that she has a husband (which she did not, for 7 years while I was growing up) - I have been "replaced". The 'rub' is that I should never have been in a pseudo spouse/pseudo parent position, and if I had not been in said position, my mother getting remarried, and my "replacement" would be a non-issue. Of course divorce, remarriage, and blending families is always difficult, but I spent time trying to be an adult when I should have been a kid. If I had been a child to my mother, it wouldn't have been such a blow for her to get remarried and "replace" me.
That is enough for now...
Peace & love
- Laur
"We were buried therefore with him by baptism into death, in order that, just as Christ was raised from the dead by the glory of the Father, we too might walk in newness of life."
- Romans 6:4
My parents started having problems when I was around 9, they signed the divorce papers when I was 12. I'm 22 now. I still deal with issues with my family and with myself quite frequently. It is undoubtedly a huge part of me, since it shaped who I am today.
My mother has been my best friend for as long as I can remember. It is a huge blessing in so many ways, but it has also caused problems, which is something I NEVER saw coming. For better or for worse, when my dad wasn't around much, and my mom was upset and lethargic because he was gone I took it upon myself to take care of my little brothers. I never should have taken on that role, but I guess I felt it was necessary, and that I should help. I was so young, definitely still in formative years, and I spent time I could have used to learn to trust God to instead perfect my "parenting" skills. I became a pseudo parent to my brothers and in turn a pseudo spouse to my mother. I always thought that my relationship with my mother was nothing but a blessing, however, as I've gotten older, it has become increasingly clear that it was not a good idea. I wasn't a kid anymore, I felt like an adult, and made it my job to take care of my family - however, I was still a child in many ways. I feel the need to say that my mother NEVER neglected us, and we never wanted for anything, she was always there for us. Which is something for which I can never thank her enough. I should also say that there is nothing wrong with taking care of ones family, and that my heart was in the right place. I believe with all my heart that God wants us to love and take care of our families.
The above paragraph is to say that although I love my family dearly, I wasn't trying to take care of them for the right reasons. I was trying to take care of them because subconsciously, I didn't trust God to take care of us. I was inadvertently and subconsciously telling God that I thought I could do a better job than He could. I have issues humbling myself before God and "dying to myself daily" (as Paul said) to this day. I can trace most of that directly back to my parents divorce.
Today, I had a difficult conversation with my mother (the aforementioned best friend). She is now remarried, and it has without a doubt brought many of these issues to light. I have always been number one in my moms life; best friend, daughter, pseudo spouse, pseudo parenting cohort, etc. But obviously, now that she has a husband (which she did not, for 7 years while I was growing up) - I have been "replaced". The 'rub' is that I should never have been in a pseudo spouse/pseudo parent position, and if I had not been in said position, my mother getting remarried, and my "replacement" would be a non-issue. Of course divorce, remarriage, and blending families is always difficult, but I spent time trying to be an adult when I should have been a kid. If I had been a child to my mother, it wouldn't have been such a blow for her to get remarried and "replace" me.
That is enough for now...
Peace & love
- Laur
"We were buried therefore with him by baptism into death, in order that, just as Christ was raised from the dead by the glory of the Father, we too might walk in newness of life."
- Romans 6:4
Thursday, August 11, 2011
1st Post
Well, hello. I finally have a blog. Mainly because I have to do everything Bronte Hughes does ;) Also, I'm a technology addict, and I might as well have a blog. This is basically just for my general musings, catharsis, and a bit about my daily life. I should be getting to bed, but will write soon.
Peace & love,
Laur
Peace & love,
Laur
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