I guess you never really know the extent of a difficult situation until you're knee deep in it. A great thing if you're on the outside looking in, a terrible thing if you're on the inside looking out. Prime example: divorce and it's aftermath.
My parents started having problems when I was around 9, they signed the divorce papers when I was 12. I'm 22 now. I still deal with issues with my family and with myself quite frequently. It is undoubtedly a huge part of me, since it shaped who I am today.
My mother has been my best friend for as long as I can remember. It is a huge blessing in so many ways, but it has also caused problems, which is something I NEVER saw coming. For better or for worse, when my dad wasn't around much, and my mom was upset and lethargic because he was gone I took it upon myself to take care of my little brothers. I never should have taken on that role, but I guess I felt it was necessary, and that I should help. I was so young, definitely still in formative years, and I spent time I could have used to learn to trust God to instead perfect my "parenting" skills. I became a pseudo parent to my brothers and in turn a pseudo spouse to my mother. I always thought that my relationship with my mother was nothing but a blessing, however, as I've gotten older, it has become increasingly clear that it was not a good idea. I wasn't a kid anymore, I felt like an adult, and made it my job to take care of my family - however, I was still a child in many ways. I feel the need to say that my mother NEVER neglected us, and we never wanted for anything, she was always there for us. Which is something for which I can never thank her enough. I should also say that there is nothing wrong with taking care of ones family, and that my heart was in the right place. I believe with all my heart that God wants us to love and take care of our families.
The above paragraph is to say that although I love my family dearly, I wasn't trying to take care of them for the right reasons. I was trying to take care of them because subconsciously, I didn't trust God to take care of us. I was inadvertently and subconsciously telling God that I thought I could do a better job than He could. I have issues humbling myself before God and "dying to myself daily" (as Paul said) to this day. I can trace most of that directly back to my parents divorce.
Today, I had a difficult conversation with my mother (the aforementioned best friend). She is now remarried, and it has without a doubt brought many of these issues to light. I have always been number one in my moms life; best friend, daughter, pseudo spouse, pseudo parenting cohort, etc. But obviously, now that she has a husband (which she did not, for 7 years while I was growing up) - I have been "replaced". The 'rub' is that I should never have been in a pseudo spouse/pseudo parent position, and if I had not been in said position, my mother getting remarried, and my "replacement" would be a non-issue. Of course divorce, remarriage, and blending families is always difficult, but I spent time trying to be an adult when I should have been a kid. If I had been a child to my mother, it wouldn't have been such a blow for her to get remarried and "replace" me.
That is enough for now...
Peace & love
- Laur
"We were buried therefore with him by baptism into death, in order that, just as Christ was raised from the dead by the glory of the Father, we too might walk in newness of life."
- Romans 6:4
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